Why I Started this Blog

One of the main reasons I decided to start this blog was because I was stuck. Stuck in a cycle of negative thinking that left me feeling extremely hopeless. I decided to try something that would give me a goal, a tiny thing to work towards. Like publishing a blog post twice a week or sticking to a schedule of going to the gym.

It’s also a way for me to express myself and get my thoughts down in writing. So, I want to share this piece about how I was feeling when I first decided to create this blog, when I was in a dark place and my attempt at articulating that.

Depression

It’s like driving on a rainy night with your windshield wipers off. You feel completely out of control, like you might skid off the road at any minute but at the same time you can’t stop driving, you have to keep going.

You can only see what is just a few feet in front of you and even that is extremely blurry.

Other cars are honking, trying to help, to warn you to turn on your wipers and headlights. But it all just seems like an attack, on your driving skills, on you. So, you clutch onto the steering wheel and hold on for your life, as if it wasn’t you behind the wheel, you who was driving. As if you’re just a passenger in a rouge self-driving car.

On a subconscious level you know you’re screwing everything up, you’re literally ruining your own life and putting yourself in danger, but you just don’t know how to stop at this point.

Everything is broken because when the warning lights came on the dashboard earlier and you know you should have slowed down back in Philadelphia and gotten your oil changed and the brake lights fixed and the wipers working, you ignored it, you told yourself you would be fine. And now you’re here, alone and completely out of control.