The Other Side of Sadness

Last week I wrote about what depression feels like to me, so I wanted to also write about the other side of things. Because inevitably, I always come out of it and start to feel better and I want to have a record of that. So, get ready for a whole bunch of similes and metaphors because they help me conceptualize and process things better.

Sometimes, when I’m in a dark place, the way I describe it to myself is like I have a box or bucket over my head. It muffles all outside sound and makes me unable to see. It keeps all thoughts in my head suck there, boomeranging back and forth. Anything new from the outside just bounces right off. But when I come out of it, it’s like this bucket is removed and I can take in new ideas again and let harmful mantras and obsessive thoughts fade away.

Suddenly I have a hundred new ideas when the day before it felt like I couldn’t even absorb the words my friend was saying on the phone. It feels like I was in hibernation for months and Spring has finally arrived. I have tons of energy. I could sleep for five hours whereas before I could sleep all day and still not feel rested.

It’s like finally cleaning off your smudgy, caked-on dirt and grease-filled glasses and being able to see again. Colors are slightly more vibrant. I can notice the clothes on my skin and the breeze on my face. I can connect to my friends and talk easily and openly with them when before every word took effort to utter and holding on to information they were sharing with me seemed like an impossible task.

I’m learning that life is cyclical. Every time I think I’ve reached a summit, it’s just the foothill of another mountain. I don’t know if I’ll every be able to break the cycle, the back and forth between despair and hope. I don’t know if I need to. I just need to make it to the other side.