What Drives Me

Running Away, Running Towards

Since middle school, I’ve struggled on and off with intrusive and depressive thoughts. Eventually, after some indeterminate period of time they would always go away. I would feel unburdened and like myself again. But at the back of my mind there was always a fear that this dark part of me would come back. And it always did.

This past fall I was doing better than I ever had been. I was happier than I ever had been. It felt like I might finally be able to beat the depression. But then it came back again, with a vengeance, and I was not prepared.  

Because I hadn’t faced my fear. I hadn’t confronted it. I had ignored it, cowered from it, allowed it to lurk. But I had not met the ugliest, scariest parts of myself and truly dealt with them. Which, although frightening, is also something truly powerful and motivating.

I have now begun to carefully examine my deepest flaws and insecurities and ponder in meticulous detail what my future life would be like if I let myself give in to these tendencies. It’s not pretty. At my worst, I know I am lazy, vengeful, jealous, ungrateful, querulous, useless, hopeless. I could go on.

I can vividly picture my life after graduating college if I didn’t get my act together and instead let my emotions and present desires for comfort and pleasure have the upper hand: Thinking I was not qualified enough for any job, I would not seriously apply to any. I would move back home but be an ungrateful, non-contributing leech on my family. I would feel like a worthless disappointment; and this would only push me to do less, to sleep all day, to sink into the despair. I would probably depend on my parents to help me find some type of employment eventually. A job I likely hated and yet felt undeserving of because I myself had not earned it. Rather than be grateful to my parents for their assistance, I would resent them for it. I would spiral out of control.

I can also picture the life that I want. One of motivation and purpose, full of doing hard things and challenging myself. Surrounded by other interesting and passionate people. Always appreciative of my family and where I came from. Working in a job I feel I deserve and enjoying getting better at it even if it’s not yet my dream job, taking pride in my work.

Your struggle may not be depression. But deep within, everyone knows their failings. It is the that part of yourself you try to conceal from others. It is your darkest, most private thoughts. Sink into these fears and let yourself truly know and explore them. You must face this self and strive to overcome it every day. For if you don’t it will slowly gain traction, like eating just one more piece of candy or another chip until suddenly you’ve finished the whole bag, seemingly without even your own awareness or consent.

The important thing is to focus not on who you were or who you are, but who you could become. In both a negative and a positive sense. I know myself, therefore I do not need to fear myself or fear others discovering who I am. I just need to run. I run away from the monstrous me that I hate yet could easily become. I run towards the version of me that I admire and yet do not yet fully know. The one whose potential is unlimited.

P.S. Many of the concepts in this post come from Jordan Peterson’s psychological framework for self-development. His self-authoring program has helped me immensely to clarify my goals and my grievances with myself. If you’re reading this and these ideas resonate with you, I encourage you to check out this link to the program. If you then decide you are interested in the self-authoring program, I have one (1) free voucher you can use to access it. Just message/email me and I would be happy to share it with you.